This post was written by Jennifer Thomas and comes from Liberation Road.
Outlaw Santa by Jennifer Thomas
Mrs. Claus had been railing for a decade about a possible hostile takeover of their sprawling gift-giving operation. She had seen it coming. “Wake up, Santa,” she would say. “We might be in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, but we’re not immune to rapacious global economic trends.”
At first Santa, ever the optimist, had just rolled his eyes at her diatribes—something their marriage counselor had advised him never to do—and returned to whittling and playing with the reindeer. But over time, he became radicalized as he saw the results of a wildly successful business model based on overconsumption and exploitation. He wrote gentle admonishments to children who had begun sending demand letters instead of wish lists. He signed petitions to stop the avalanche of plastic junk destined for the oceans. He even tried to stand up for the Elves, notifying OSHA and the Department of Labor about the working conditions.
But it was too little, too late. The company’s tentacles had already slithered into Toyland and squeezed it in a death grip, just as it had infested every nook and cranny of the economy down below. So much so that any protest, any action, any criticism of the company that could jeopardize the convenience of the shopper was deemed a threat to national security, and therefore illegal.
The twinkle in Santa’s eye faded and vanished; heartsick, he retreated to the deserted workshop. Mrs. Claus, though, was no slouch. Being somewhat diminutive with pointy ears, she knew she could pass for an Elf. In October she got hired at the warehouse, driving a fork truck after a two-hour “crash” course in its operation. The pace was brutal, but she managed to make friends all over the facility. “This place has made you forget your magic powers,” she told them. “At the very least, you’ve got strength in numbers. Besides, you’re bound to win because you’re on the moral high ground—having delighted children with your craftsmanship, among other things, for centuries, you know a thing or two about what fulfillment actually is.”
Mrs. Claus and her new comrades hatched a plot to carry out on Christmas Eve. They passed messages around hidden in their Elf hats, and conducted clandestine meetings in Elfish (a charming, mellifluous language Mrs. Claus had learned over the years). In late December it was all coming together. There was one seeming obstacle—Santa would have to participate for the plan to work. He was busy moping over at the Claus residence. How could they get him out of his funk and into action?
“I think I know,” said Mrs. Claus. After her shift ended, she went to talk to the reindeer. They were even more pissed off than the Elves, since they were out of a job completely now. The Elves used to take care of them throughout the year, brushing their coats and mucking out their stalls. The barn was now in complete disarray; Santa fed them their moss and shrubs but otherwise he was useless.
Mrs. Claus approached Blitzen, who didn’t have a very shiny nose but was the actual reindeer leader, and one of the only creatures Santa really trusted. She described the plan for Christmas Eve. Blitzen made a few tactical suggestions but was immediately on board. When Santa came out to the barn, they sat him down and explained what was to happen. His beard twitched in reluctance to get involved. But he shook when he laughed as the beauty of the plan finally dawned on him. He dragged the sleigh out of a corner of the barn and got to work polishing it up.
Christmas Eve came, as it always did. Out of the warehouse streamed the Elves, led by Mrs. Claus on her fork truck. The robot overlords beeped and flashed frantically, but to no effect. Dispensing with the trucks was the first order of business. First the Elves salvaged all the toys on them that weren’t complete pieces of junk. A few of the more tech-savvy Elves then set the GPS on each one to the East Siberian Sea, to which the trucks promptly took off and then plunged. The Elves planned to retrieve the wreckage later. Then Santa and the reindeer pulled up to the building in the sleigh, loaded with hand-made toys the Elves had hidden away in the workshop years before, on the advice of the prescient Mrs. Claus.
The Elves then handed Santa a package, tied up with ribbons and festooned with candy canes. “This is a proposition to deliver to our fellow warehouse workers at every single Amazon fulfillment center in the world, near and far,” they told him. “We are reminding them that, though they may not be Elves, they too have magic powers–but they have to get together and use them.” And Santa prepared to dispense his own messages throughout the world that would change Christmas forever. “You better watch out,” yelled Santa as he sailed into the air. “You can’t have infinite growth on a finite planet! And remember, today’s outlaw is tomorrow’s hero!”
Mrs. Claus blew him a kiss as she watched him fly away.
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